i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize