My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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