she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
