It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
