i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
