cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
