What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
