Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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