I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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