Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
