So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
