An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
