i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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