I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
