It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
