You're so nebulous sometimes
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
