those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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