Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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