I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
