Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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