Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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