I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
