Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
