Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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