We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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