I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need water and some morals
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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