I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
