is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
