i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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