I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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