And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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