please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Vodka?
Forever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
