Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
