When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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