some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
