I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
