Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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