i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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