If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I need to align my fucking chakras
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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