No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
