my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I deserve this hangover.
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