Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
