"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
