Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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