Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
