Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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