pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
