I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
