I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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