you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
