So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
