maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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