He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
