my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
