ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
