Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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