Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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