everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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