remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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