I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
