The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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