it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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